I thought it was a bird but it was just a paper bag...

I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances
Were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said, 'Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void,' he said
'It's all in your head,' and I said, 'So's everything'
But he didn't get it I thought he was a man
But he was just a little boy

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

 - Fiona Apple "Paper Bag"


So it was nothing. Or it was something. I don't know.
DH and I saw the positive lines on tests from 9DPO until 12DPO when I stopped taking the progesterone and started to bleed. They were always squinters. I was frantic for it to either be something or be over, so I did the unthinkable and called my OB office to ask for a beta blood test. Blood draw was on on 11DPO, and I told them I just needed to know if it was viable so I could either keep taking the progesterone or stop it and meet AF.

OB office called on 12DPO and left a message just saying "it was negative". I don't know if that means the levels were too low to even register. I know I am crazy, but DH isn't, and he saw the lines. I don't know if last month was something or nothing... but not even getting to call it a "something" broke me. I haven't been on my message board as much this month. I just feel kind of over it for some reason.

Therapist asked me if I am feeling hopeless. I said no, because I do think it will happen some day. But I am less enthusiastic when or if it happens. We are now on our 5th cycle since the September loss. I read the daily threads, well daily, and I rarely see anyone who is even 4th cycle since their loss who has not gotten another BFP. I guess I am feeling defeated. The statistics seem more against me now than for me. I am not confident that it will happen anytime soon now. I am mentally preparing myself to go to the hospital in 6 weeks and hold my best friends baby and hope to god I don't have a complete breakdown directly in front of her. I am pretty sure my plan is to do the thing where I turn off all thoughts and hope I avoid all emotion. It took them so many years and so many doctors to get thier first BFP. I don't want to be a dick that it's only been 7 months for us. And I won't in person... but inside I'll be a jealous jerk.