Lets hope it's a good one.

So, this is Christmas
And what have you done?
Another year over
And a new one just begun

A very merry Christmas

And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The road is so long

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

- John Lennon

Hubby is back at work!

There were times when I seriously wondered if we had made the wrong decision to let him take the severance and come home to watch our son while he searched. But things did work out as they were supposed to. If he had taken the alternative job he was offered, he would have surely been on a written notice or even fired by now. That job has killed so many careers. But because he waited, he was able to come back to the same company, gain back all his seniority/vacation/benefits. And he really enjoys his new position.

I am so grateful that this one thing has happened before 2013 was out.

It was just in time too because I am worn out.
I worked so much harder than I would have because I knew I was the breadwinner. I took on the lion's share of our bills, probably 90%. And I made more money than any other person in my position. But since H has gone back to work, I have seen my productivity absolutely decline. I am thinking it's a big ball of reasons. 1) being that the burden is no longer squarely on my shoulders. 2) I was sat in the noisy middle aisle. Fun and great for my stress level, but terrible for my numbers. 3) I waste my moments and days away wondering when I'll ever get pregnant. I would say this is getting bad for sure. 4) I'm too tired to work any more overtime.

Sonny boy has kept on his weight but we discovered this week (actually I've been asking people to see what I've seen for a month) that Hux is getting a lazy eye. Sometimes his left eye turns inward when he's tired or not paying attention. Of course I am thinking the worst. Got a specialist appointment set for January 3rd. I don't know what they'll find. In the best case scenario, they tell us to wait it out (not likely). In the middle case, he'll need glasses. In the worst case he'll need glasses, eye patching, and surgery. 2013 just had to get in that one last jab. But it is what it is. We will do absolutely anything necessary to make sure that he gets his treatments and hope he doesn't have to deal with this for life.

That makes a total of 4 appointments for Hux in January. 30 month check-up, GI specialist, Allergist & pediatric optometrist. Sometimes I worry that our genes mixed wrong and made this kid with all these issues. But then I think, maybe all humans have a certain number of issues and we are just good parents who are finding them early and fixing them. I just hate seeing him struggle and thinking of future struggles he may have. But I guess that's the human experience.

I truly hope 2014 (even with the struggles that may come) brings us health and gets us back onto the track we were on when 2012 burned out.

Won't you please bring my baby to me?

Oh, all the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air

And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing

Santa, won't you bring me the one I really need?
Won't you please bring my baby to me?

 - Mariah Carey

6 cycles. I am 6 cycles into trying to conceive our second. I know the facts. This is NOT a long time in the grand scheme. I think it seems longer because I keep setting milestones upon which I rest my hope.

August - It's only the first month. - BFN

September - Yay, I got pregnant. We will get to announce at the holidays! - Miscarriage.

October - Everyone says the cycle after a miscarriage is the most fertile. - BFN

November - A July baby would be just enough time in between Hux's and the new birthday. - BFN

December - It would be such a happy Christmas surprise and it would repair some of the damage from this year to end 2013 right. - BFN

January - It would be a great way to start the new year & hubby's 30th b-day.
- If it's a negative, then you'll be 33+ when you deliver, no chance of a 3rd kid before 35, which means no 3rd kid.
- Only one more cycle before you have to throw a baby shower.
- Only 2 more cycles to try before your best friend gives birth. If you don't have a positive by then, you will surely blubber all over the newborn when the time comes.
- Only 3 more cycles before you have to take a break because you swore not to subject your kid to a Christmas time birthday.

Its all such a mind-fuck. It makes you jealous. It makes you anxious. It makes you a hypochondriac. It can be the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. It can make you feel so embarrassed. So ashamed that you can't make this most natural thing happen. Its one of the few things in life where hard work truly does not get you someplace faster. There is no special calculation to tell you the projection at which it will all pay off.

And yet, it's only been 6 cycles. So if I'm so bothered now, I don't know what I'll look like at 12 cycles.

I had a physical a couple weeks ago and while I was there, they ran CD3 fertility testing. Everything came back normal on both accept I need more vitamin D. This comforted me because it means one more thing checked off that says I'm fine... just impatient. I will take my progesterone again this cycle and hope for the best. Oddly one day I am feeling really great about my cycle but in my head I am prepared for just not seeing a positive any time soon. Self preservation I guess.

Better. Better, Better.

You're getting sadder, sadder, getting sadder, sadder
Don't understand, and I don't understand

But if I kiss you where it's sore
If I kiss you where it's sore
Will you feel better, better, better?
Will you feel anything at all?

-Regina Spektor

It's odd that at the old-timer age of 31, I am still learning things about myself. Picking my psyche apart and putting it back together again.

I realized why I am so disappointed in this year... We not only haven't accomplished many of the things I wanted for us... but we have actually backtracked. I need small goals, big goals, lists upon lists, and more than anything I need to be BETTER. All the time I need to see marked accomplishments to tell me that I am improving. My family is improving. I need milestones. I need hurtles that have been cleared and written down.

All this time I worried that my recent sadness has been a cry for negative attention... But really, the lack of positive attention is what is killing me. I need people to see that we are every improving, ever getting stronger, ever accomplishing (even if in small ways). No one has anything to report about us this year. I don't know why I'm so angry about that.

This year has simply been a practice in stagnation. Hell, our child still hasn't grown. I am severely grateful that he has gained back his lost weight, but the fact that he is still behind makes me feel bad. I am extremely grateful that while my husband has been laid off, we survived and didn't even really have to change our lifestyle much... But he has also been home with our son for months and that kid isn't any better off than he was with my mom. Nobody is teaching him things or taking him on educational field trips. Tonight he seriously peed while he was getting his diaper changed? All his peers are potty trained or nearing the end of potty training. He not only has no idea of how to pee in the potty, but he doesn't even have a healthy respect for keeping it in the diaper. Thats OUR fault. All this time he's had one on one time and no one cared to force the potty training.

I am just so fucking disappointed in this year. I sound ungrateful because I should be happy that outcomes weren't worse... But we still didn't take advantage of the few opportunities we had this year and it's just really making me angry.

Fall is also disappointing. I think I'll just look forward to Christmas and a New Year at this point.

The Scientist

"Questions of science, science and progress
Don't speak as loud as my heart.

Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start"
 - Coldplay

I recently lost a pregnancy, and I guess there are a lot of ways to feel about that. I'm sure all the ways are correct/normal/ok.

Sometimes I feel guilty for my recent victim mentality, but it feels so good to wallow.

I used to be a cool person, with cool ideas, and a cool downtown life, and cool plans for my future. I never wanted to be what I am, which is a plain old person. With a well-paying job, an awesome husband, and the most adorable toddler that ever existed (In my humble opinion). And up until about March of this year life was on a beautiful trajectory. We had purchased our first home at rock bottom prices, and immediately renovated. It wasn't a huge home but still large enough for birthday parties and more kids, if we so decided. I was doing better at my job than any previous year and we had saved up enough to renovated our sunroom (finally a room for momma). We had made charts for when we would start trying for a second child. We were finally saving for that trip to Paris. I thought our ducks were in a row and life was on track simply because I was such a good planner and so great at running life...

Then in April, my husband was going about his regular work day. The large corporation leaders called him and his peers into a meeting to tell them how great they were doing. They were given celebratory cake. Shortly after cake was served, they were told they had 60 days to find a new job. I work at the same company (different department) but news travels quickly and my husband had not even had a chance to tell me before the grapevine filled me in. I was devastated. It was not just that our well laid plans were being negated, but I was also worried that we would fall into a pit of financial ruin. The jobs they offered in replacement at the corporate giant were substandard, and we decided to take the leap. Get the severance and let hubby be a stay at home dad for a while. His last day was in June, and with the help of daycare savings, our sunroom money, savings and severance, we have made it work. There was no pit, at least as of yet. Life was not on track but it was at least at a stand still and not back-pedaling.

Then our son became sick. In hindsight he had always been a little odd about food, but at 18 months he was slipping further down in the height/weight percentiles. Failure to thrive it was called. Then he started vomiting. At first just once or twice a month, vomiting for no reason. Then it became once a week. Eventually every day. He was not only failing to thrive but losing weight at a rapid pace. The pediatricians at first would tell us to keep an eye on it, but it's probably fine (because docs love to tell 1st time parents not to overreact). But I knocked down doors on my own and eventually he had a lot of testing done. He was found allergic to diary and eggs, and had been consuming both for so long that they believed it had damaged his GI track. It was not just the immediate scare of getting him better, but the lifestyle changes of removing those two major foods from our home. BUT, then slowly and surely, our little man was bouncing back with the help of acid reducers and his new diet. In July we got a call back on some major testing we had done and they found he did not have EoE as suspected, but they had no answers. I am a resolution person, and the "not knowing" gets to me more often than I would like... but he IS better, and gets healthier every day. So in July we said "screw it", our life is far messier than it once was, but we are still strong and stable and now healthy, lets try for that baby.

We only tried for two cycles before we got our big fat positive pregnancy test. Accept, something was off. I didn't know much about charting nad my body but it seemed odd that I ovulated 4 days earlier that cycle. And Darling Husband had decided to ruin my night out with friends by get absolutely pass-out drunk at a game night. I was so insanely angry at him because the hangover lasted for days and when we finally got around to Humping it Out, we had missed a good portion of my fertile window. I guess it didn't matter, because at 9DPO I got a very faint positive pregnancy test. And then another the next day and then another. All faint... but there. We told only our parents and my BFF (who just so happened to be pregnant as well). I was so excited to be pregnant with her for our second children just like our first. Somehow I think we knew something was wrong when the lines never got darker. I was able to turn a digital, but I started bleeding only 8 days later. It was the most god awful physical pain I have ever felt and very much akin to true child birth. The way the cramps were just low and gripping and the fact that I had contractions. My OB's nurse line was no help. They told me it would be like a regular period but maybe a tad more painful. F U, B. It was excruciating to the point where DH was going to take me to urgent care. I only took 2 days off work even though I was still walking like I had been kicked repeatedly in the stomach.

Emotionally it was just as bad. After a week, you wouldn't think you would be so upset. I was well read, at least more than most. And I knew this could happen. But women, who knew. In my mind I was already holding a baby on my chest while enjoying the May breezes through my window. Loving that we now had a Spring to round out our family of Summer-Huxley, Autumn-Me, Winter-Dylan. I was already thinking of names. Already pinning nursery ideas. Already calculating that we could announce to the family at Thanksgiving when we were past the safety mark of the first U/S, and by Christmas we would announce boy or girl. Already thinking of reveal ideas.

2013 has not been kind to us. Sometimes I wonder what we did to anger fate and receive so many blows. In the end, we are fighting, and we are in no way down for the count. But this year has taken a toll. And for some reason I don't think it will be over until I get a positive again, and hope that it sticks.