Lets hope it's a good one.

So, this is Christmas
And what have you done?
Another year over
And a new one just begun

A very merry Christmas

And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The road is so long

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

- John Lennon

Hubby is back at work!

There were times when I seriously wondered if we had made the wrong decision to let him take the severance and come home to watch our son while he searched. But things did work out as they were supposed to. If he had taken the alternative job he was offered, he would have surely been on a written notice or even fired by now. That job has killed so many careers. But because he waited, he was able to come back to the same company, gain back all his seniority/vacation/benefits. And he really enjoys his new position.

I am so grateful that this one thing has happened before 2013 was out.

It was just in time too because I am worn out.
I worked so much harder than I would have because I knew I was the breadwinner. I took on the lion's share of our bills, probably 90%. And I made more money than any other person in my position. But since H has gone back to work, I have seen my productivity absolutely decline. I am thinking it's a big ball of reasons. 1) being that the burden is no longer squarely on my shoulders. 2) I was sat in the noisy middle aisle. Fun and great for my stress level, but terrible for my numbers. 3) I waste my moments and days away wondering when I'll ever get pregnant. I would say this is getting bad for sure. 4) I'm too tired to work any more overtime.

Sonny boy has kept on his weight but we discovered this week (actually I've been asking people to see what I've seen for a month) that Hux is getting a lazy eye. Sometimes his left eye turns inward when he's tired or not paying attention. Of course I am thinking the worst. Got a specialist appointment set for January 3rd. I don't know what they'll find. In the best case scenario, they tell us to wait it out (not likely). In the middle case, he'll need glasses. In the worst case he'll need glasses, eye patching, and surgery. 2013 just had to get in that one last jab. But it is what it is. We will do absolutely anything necessary to make sure that he gets his treatments and hope he doesn't have to deal with this for life.

That makes a total of 4 appointments for Hux in January. 30 month check-up, GI specialist, Allergist & pediatric optometrist. Sometimes I worry that our genes mixed wrong and made this kid with all these issues. But then I think, maybe all humans have a certain number of issues and we are just good parents who are finding them early and fixing them. I just hate seeing him struggle and thinking of future struggles he may have. But I guess that's the human experience.

I truly hope 2014 (even with the struggles that may come) brings us health and gets us back onto the track we were on when 2012 burned out.

Won't you please bring my baby to me?

Oh, all the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air

And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing

Santa, won't you bring me the one I really need?
Won't you please bring my baby to me?

 - Mariah Carey

6 cycles. I am 6 cycles into trying to conceive our second. I know the facts. This is NOT a long time in the grand scheme. I think it seems longer because I keep setting milestones upon which I rest my hope.

August - It's only the first month. - BFN

September - Yay, I got pregnant. We will get to announce at the holidays! - Miscarriage.

October - Everyone says the cycle after a miscarriage is the most fertile. - BFN

November - A July baby would be just enough time in between Hux's and the new birthday. - BFN

December - It would be such a happy Christmas surprise and it would repair some of the damage from this year to end 2013 right. - BFN

January - It would be a great way to start the new year & hubby's 30th b-day.
- If it's a negative, then you'll be 33+ when you deliver, no chance of a 3rd kid before 35, which means no 3rd kid.
- Only one more cycle before you have to throw a baby shower.
- Only 2 more cycles to try before your best friend gives birth. If you don't have a positive by then, you will surely blubber all over the newborn when the time comes.
- Only 3 more cycles before you have to take a break because you swore not to subject your kid to a Christmas time birthday.

Its all such a mind-fuck. It makes you jealous. It makes you anxious. It makes you a hypochondriac. It can be the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. It can make you feel so embarrassed. So ashamed that you can't make this most natural thing happen. Its one of the few things in life where hard work truly does not get you someplace faster. There is no special calculation to tell you the projection at which it will all pay off.

And yet, it's only been 6 cycles. So if I'm so bothered now, I don't know what I'll look like at 12 cycles.

I had a physical a couple weeks ago and while I was there, they ran CD3 fertility testing. Everything came back normal on both accept I need more vitamin D. This comforted me because it means one more thing checked off that says I'm fine... just impatient. I will take my progesterone again this cycle and hope for the best. Oddly one day I am feeling really great about my cycle but in my head I am prepared for just not seeing a positive any time soon. Self preservation I guess.