Accentuate the Positive

You gotta accent-tu-ate the positive, 
E-lim-inate the negative, 
An' latch on 
To the affirmative 
Don't mess with Mister in-between! 

You gotta spread joy up to the maximum, 
Bring gloom down to the minimum, 
An' have faith ( Amen! ) 
Or pandemonium's 
Liable to walk upon the scene!

 - Perro Como


Well I think it may be happening again. Yesterday I met with and RE and his diagnosis was extremely positive. He basically said he wants us to keep trying on our own because he doesn't think we will need him. But if no positive by April, then he'll do more testing.

I was still a little down yesterday at 9DPO when the pee sticks were all white as 9DPO is when I got some squinters last time.

Well last night, I got a squinter on a walmart cheapie. Dylan couldn't see it but I swore it was there. Used the android edit button filters and Bam! Line. I posted it to my girls on the 2WW and they agreed it was there. I went to bed feeling so hopeful. I though the next morning I would wake to either start white and have to tell hubby that he was right, or that I would get stronger lines.

Well 10DPO just brought more squinters on wondfo and a walmart cheapie. I posted them to 2WW and this time it was a slight bit mixed. One girl told me about countdown to pregnancy where you can post your pic and people vote on it. Well 28 votes and 71% said positive. That was heartening.

I drank 4 bottles of water at work today because I just felt dehydrated. But I finished them all before 2pm thinking I could restest. Wondfo after work was so faint it was barely nothing. And then I took another before bed and again, so faint it could just be a trick of the eye.

I am so incredibly discouraged. I wanted this September due date so badly. I wanted to be pregnant before my BFF gave birth. I only have a couple more tried before we take time off because I will not saddle a kid with a Christmas birthday for life because I'm impatient. And after that month off we are officially moving on to further testing.

I liked that the countdown site showed that usually at this 10DPO there are a lot of people who later show positives but negatives right now as it's too early. And the people who do have positives there are super faint like mine.

I know that the odds of having 2 miscarriages/chemical pregnancies are not that great. I know it's 1 in 4 pregnancies. But it's supposed to be that most people have one and then get pregnant just fine the next time... but I'm on my message board. I know the reality of the stat isn't true. Some people have chemicals back to back.

Other symptoms: My boobs fluctuate from full and ouchy, so normalish size and only tinges of ouchy. I have had a crazy pinchy back pain all afternoon and night in my lower left back. Slight cramping. I could smell the smoker who sits next to me at work almost every moment of the day today. He spoke to me once and his breath waved over me and seriously worried I would vomit. And tonight I passed out at 8:30, like I just couldn't see any reason to get up. When i did get up to test at 11:30 (with the barely there squinter) I was super nauseous after.

I want to believe so badly that this is it. But I know it's not good that the lines aren't getting darker again. I have been here before.

Thank god for the ladies on my board. They keep me sane.