Won't you please bring my baby to me?

Oh, all the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air

And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing

Santa, won't you bring me the one I really need?
Won't you please bring my baby to me?

 - Mariah Carey

6 cycles. I am 6 cycles into trying to conceive our second. I know the facts. This is NOT a long time in the grand scheme. I think it seems longer because I keep setting milestones upon which I rest my hope.

August - It's only the first month. - BFN

September - Yay, I got pregnant. We will get to announce at the holidays! - Miscarriage.

October - Everyone says the cycle after a miscarriage is the most fertile. - BFN

November - A July baby would be just enough time in between Hux's and the new birthday. - BFN

December - It would be such a happy Christmas surprise and it would repair some of the damage from this year to end 2013 right. - BFN

January - It would be a great way to start the new year & hubby's 30th b-day.
- If it's a negative, then you'll be 33+ when you deliver, no chance of a 3rd kid before 35, which means no 3rd kid.
- Only one more cycle before you have to throw a baby shower.
- Only 2 more cycles to try before your best friend gives birth. If you don't have a positive by then, you will surely blubber all over the newborn when the time comes.
- Only 3 more cycles before you have to take a break because you swore not to subject your kid to a Christmas time birthday.

Its all such a mind-fuck. It makes you jealous. It makes you anxious. It makes you a hypochondriac. It can be the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. It can make you feel so embarrassed. So ashamed that you can't make this most natural thing happen. Its one of the few things in life where hard work truly does not get you someplace faster. There is no special calculation to tell you the projection at which it will all pay off.

And yet, it's only been 6 cycles. So if I'm so bothered now, I don't know what I'll look like at 12 cycles.

I had a physical a couple weeks ago and while I was there, they ran CD3 fertility testing. Everything came back normal on both accept I need more vitamin D. This comforted me because it means one more thing checked off that says I'm fine... just impatient. I will take my progesterone again this cycle and hope for the best. Oddly one day I am feeling really great about my cycle but in my head I am prepared for just not seeing a positive any time soon. Self preservation I guess.