Better. Better, Better.

You're getting sadder, sadder, getting sadder, sadder
Don't understand, and I don't understand

But if I kiss you where it's sore
If I kiss you where it's sore
Will you feel better, better, better?
Will you feel anything at all?

-Regina Spektor

It's odd that at the old-timer age of 31, I am still learning things about myself. Picking my psyche apart and putting it back together again.

I realized why I am so disappointed in this year... We not only haven't accomplished many of the things I wanted for us... but we have actually backtracked. I need small goals, big goals, lists upon lists, and more than anything I need to be BETTER. All the time I need to see marked accomplishments to tell me that I am improving. My family is improving. I need milestones. I need hurtles that have been cleared and written down.

All this time I worried that my recent sadness has been a cry for negative attention... But really, the lack of positive attention is what is killing me. I need people to see that we are every improving, ever getting stronger, ever accomplishing (even if in small ways). No one has anything to report about us this year. I don't know why I'm so angry about that.

This year has simply been a practice in stagnation. Hell, our child still hasn't grown. I am severely grateful that he has gained back his lost weight, but the fact that he is still behind makes me feel bad. I am extremely grateful that while my husband has been laid off, we survived and didn't even really have to change our lifestyle much... But he has also been home with our son for months and that kid isn't any better off than he was with my mom. Nobody is teaching him things or taking him on educational field trips. Tonight he seriously peed while he was getting his diaper changed? All his peers are potty trained or nearing the end of potty training. He not only has no idea of how to pee in the potty, but he doesn't even have a healthy respect for keeping it in the diaper. Thats OUR fault. All this time he's had one on one time and no one cared to force the potty training.

I am just so fucking disappointed in this year. I sound ungrateful because I should be happy that outcomes weren't worse... But we still didn't take advantage of the few opportunities we had this year and it's just really making me angry.

Fall is also disappointing. I think I'll just look forward to Christmas and a New Year at this point.