I thought it was a bird but it was just a paper bag...

I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances
Were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said, 'Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void,' he said
'It's all in your head,' and I said, 'So's everything'
But he didn't get it I thought he was a man
But he was just a little boy

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

 - Fiona Apple "Paper Bag"


So it was nothing. Or it was something. I don't know.
DH and I saw the positive lines on tests from 9DPO until 12DPO when I stopped taking the progesterone and started to bleed. They were always squinters. I was frantic for it to either be something or be over, so I did the unthinkable and called my OB office to ask for a beta blood test. Blood draw was on on 11DPO, and I told them I just needed to know if it was viable so I could either keep taking the progesterone or stop it and meet AF.

OB office called on 12DPO and left a message just saying "it was negative". I don't know if that means the levels were too low to even register. I know I am crazy, but DH isn't, and he saw the lines. I don't know if last month was something or nothing... but not even getting to call it a "something" broke me. I haven't been on my message board as much this month. I just feel kind of over it for some reason.

Therapist asked me if I am feeling hopeless. I said no, because I do think it will happen some day. But I am less enthusiastic when or if it happens. We are now on our 5th cycle since the September loss. I read the daily threads, well daily, and I rarely see anyone who is even 4th cycle since their loss who has not gotten another BFP. I guess I am feeling defeated. The statistics seem more against me now than for me. I am not confident that it will happen anytime soon now. I am mentally preparing myself to go to the hospital in 6 weeks and hold my best friends baby and hope to god I don't have a complete breakdown directly in front of her. I am pretty sure my plan is to do the thing where I turn off all thoughts and hope I avoid all emotion. It took them so many years and so many doctors to get thier first BFP. I don't want to be a dick that it's only been 7 months for us. And I won't in person... but inside I'll be a jealous jerk.

Accentuate the Positive

You gotta accent-tu-ate the positive, 
E-lim-inate the negative, 
An' latch on 
To the affirmative 
Don't mess with Mister in-between! 

You gotta spread joy up to the maximum, 
Bring gloom down to the minimum, 
An' have faith ( Amen! ) 
Or pandemonium's 
Liable to walk upon the scene!

 - Perro Como


Well I think it may be happening again. Yesterday I met with and RE and his diagnosis was extremely positive. He basically said he wants us to keep trying on our own because he doesn't think we will need him. But if no positive by April, then he'll do more testing.

I was still a little down yesterday at 9DPO when the pee sticks were all white as 9DPO is when I got some squinters last time.

Well last night, I got a squinter on a walmart cheapie. Dylan couldn't see it but I swore it was there. Used the android edit button filters and Bam! Line. I posted it to my girls on the 2WW and they agreed it was there. I went to bed feeling so hopeful. I though the next morning I would wake to either start white and have to tell hubby that he was right, or that I would get stronger lines.

Well 10DPO just brought more squinters on wondfo and a walmart cheapie. I posted them to 2WW and this time it was a slight bit mixed. One girl told me about countdown to pregnancy where you can post your pic and people vote on it. Well 28 votes and 71% said positive. That was heartening.

I drank 4 bottles of water at work today because I just felt dehydrated. But I finished them all before 2pm thinking I could restest. Wondfo after work was so faint it was barely nothing. And then I took another before bed and again, so faint it could just be a trick of the eye.

I am so incredibly discouraged. I wanted this September due date so badly. I wanted to be pregnant before my BFF gave birth. I only have a couple more tried before we take time off because I will not saddle a kid with a Christmas birthday for life because I'm impatient. And after that month off we are officially moving on to further testing.

I liked that the countdown site showed that usually at this 10DPO there are a lot of people who later show positives but negatives right now as it's too early. And the people who do have positives there are super faint like mine.

I know that the odds of having 2 miscarriages/chemical pregnancies are not that great. I know it's 1 in 4 pregnancies. But it's supposed to be that most people have one and then get pregnant just fine the next time... but I'm on my message board. I know the reality of the stat isn't true. Some people have chemicals back to back.

Other symptoms: My boobs fluctuate from full and ouchy, so normalish size and only tinges of ouchy. I have had a crazy pinchy back pain all afternoon and night in my lower left back. Slight cramping. I could smell the smoker who sits next to me at work almost every moment of the day today. He spoke to me once and his breath waved over me and seriously worried I would vomit. And tonight I passed out at 8:30, like I just couldn't see any reason to get up. When i did get up to test at 11:30 (with the barely there squinter) I was super nauseous after.

I want to believe so badly that this is it. But I know it's not good that the lines aren't getting darker again. I have been here before.

Thank god for the ladies on my board. They keep me sane.