Accomplished

I just read an article that explained why certain people are more successful in life. I'm sure there are numerous reasons but this article focused on mindset. I have to believe that it was my mindset that carried me through last year. I was obsessed, and at times depressed, about our troubles getting pregnant, but with testing that I pushed for, the issue was corrected. I was in a spiral about my husband's job loss at first but we quickly made plans to cover ourselves. My son's health issues were unresolved and up in the air (the worst kind of torture for me) but as I saw him slowly return to health I was comforted.


Now that we are through the trials and tribulations of 2013, things are not perfect, but they are back on track in 2014. I am pregnant with baby #2 and due in just 2 months on November 17th. Baby and myself are doing very well, and this pregnancy has been a bit easier than the first. My husband loves his new job and has received recognition for performance nearly every month, which has made him so much happier than he ever was before. My son is topping the charts in weight now that he is doing well, and we have his allergies under control. He still has major food issues with not wanting to try new things or eat during mealtimes, but we are trying. Plus he started preschool, which I consider a milestone because not everyone does 3 year preschool, and it was terribly hard to get him into the program I heard was best. There are a lot of things on this years list I am proud of, but the fruits of our labor are sweeter because they came on the heels of a lot of 2013 disappiontment. So for future Amber to see that yes, life ebbs... but then it flows...

Things I am proud of this year...
1) Hux is healthy, and that is thanks to our fighting for his diagnosis and the changes we made to his lifestyle.
2) Dylan is back to work and happier than ever. We made the right decision!
3) I requested the bloodwork that found low progesterone in the aftermath of the miscarriage, and the help I received is the reason we are about to meet baby #2 shortly.
4) I finally let go of the budget reigns and the fear of a catastrophic financial issue to renovate our sunroom (after cancelling the project 3 separate times out of fear). It turned out better than I ever expected, and I will be glad to have it when the days get crisper.
5) Although I haven't done as well this year at work, I still did very well for a pregnant lady.

There are still a few trials coming up. Birth and newborn exhaustion of course. But as my husband and I both work at the same company, we have all our eggs in one basket, and our company is going through a giant merger early next year. We have no idea where we will land and what our careers will look like when this is over. It's incredibly scary. But knowing that we managed last year makes me more confident, and we have several plans in place to try to save as much back as possible in the worst case scenario. We also have ongoing issues with my mom, our childcare person, but how do you solve a problem like Maria, ya know?

Even with all this, the future is still bright and I know we will be ok. Each trial reminds me that my husband and I are a good team, and we can face anything together.

Whatev

So I did my 7DPO blood draw requested by the RE a couple weeks ago. Couple days later my squinty lines came back just like last month. I am proud I did not go as crazy. Sometimes I just feel kind of empty about it all now.

While I was still getting the squinters I called the RE office to see if they had gotten my blood test back for progesterone since it had been several days. Nurse called back to tell me it was even worse than last time at 5.5. My last draw in August was already low at 8. You have to have a 3 to even confirm you ovulated so at 5.5 sucks. I asked her if this is why I was getting squinters on the tests that never became anything and she said "If they were chemical pregnancies, would you really want to know?". I said I guess not but truthfully I would want to know.

She gave me a script for clomid which should fix everything of course and we'll see what my 7DPO says next month.

I thought it was a bird but it was just a paper bag...

I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances
Were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said, 'Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void,' he said
'It's all in your head,' and I said, 'So's everything'
But he didn't get it I thought he was a man
But he was just a little boy

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

 - Fiona Apple "Paper Bag"


So it was nothing. Or it was something. I don't know.
DH and I saw the positive lines on tests from 9DPO until 12DPO when I stopped taking the progesterone and started to bleed. They were always squinters. I was frantic for it to either be something or be over, so I did the unthinkable and called my OB office to ask for a beta blood test. Blood draw was on on 11DPO, and I told them I just needed to know if it was viable so I could either keep taking the progesterone or stop it and meet AF.

OB office called on 12DPO and left a message just saying "it was negative". I don't know if that means the levels were too low to even register. I know I am crazy, but DH isn't, and he saw the lines. I don't know if last month was something or nothing... but not even getting to call it a "something" broke me. I haven't been on my message board as much this month. I just feel kind of over it for some reason.

Therapist asked me if I am feeling hopeless. I said no, because I do think it will happen some day. But I am less enthusiastic when or if it happens. We are now on our 5th cycle since the September loss. I read the daily threads, well daily, and I rarely see anyone who is even 4th cycle since their loss who has not gotten another BFP. I guess I am feeling defeated. The statistics seem more against me now than for me. I am not confident that it will happen anytime soon now. I am mentally preparing myself to go to the hospital in 6 weeks and hold my best friends baby and hope to god I don't have a complete breakdown directly in front of her. I am pretty sure my plan is to do the thing where I turn off all thoughts and hope I avoid all emotion. It took them so many years and so many doctors to get thier first BFP. I don't want to be a dick that it's only been 7 months for us. And I won't in person... but inside I'll be a jealous jerk.

Accentuate the Positive

You gotta accent-tu-ate the positive, 
E-lim-inate the negative, 
An' latch on 
To the affirmative 
Don't mess with Mister in-between! 

You gotta spread joy up to the maximum, 
Bring gloom down to the minimum, 
An' have faith ( Amen! ) 
Or pandemonium's 
Liable to walk upon the scene!

 - Perro Como


Well I think it may be happening again. Yesterday I met with and RE and his diagnosis was extremely positive. He basically said he wants us to keep trying on our own because he doesn't think we will need him. But if no positive by April, then he'll do more testing.

I was still a little down yesterday at 9DPO when the pee sticks were all white as 9DPO is when I got some squinters last time.

Well last night, I got a squinter on a walmart cheapie. Dylan couldn't see it but I swore it was there. Used the android edit button filters and Bam! Line. I posted it to my girls on the 2WW and they agreed it was there. I went to bed feeling so hopeful. I though the next morning I would wake to either start white and have to tell hubby that he was right, or that I would get stronger lines.

Well 10DPO just brought more squinters on wondfo and a walmart cheapie. I posted them to 2WW and this time it was a slight bit mixed. One girl told me about countdown to pregnancy where you can post your pic and people vote on it. Well 28 votes and 71% said positive. That was heartening.

I drank 4 bottles of water at work today because I just felt dehydrated. But I finished them all before 2pm thinking I could restest. Wondfo after work was so faint it was barely nothing. And then I took another before bed and again, so faint it could just be a trick of the eye.

I am so incredibly discouraged. I wanted this September due date so badly. I wanted to be pregnant before my BFF gave birth. I only have a couple more tried before we take time off because I will not saddle a kid with a Christmas birthday for life because I'm impatient. And after that month off we are officially moving on to further testing.

I liked that the countdown site showed that usually at this 10DPO there are a lot of people who later show positives but negatives right now as it's too early. And the people who do have positives there are super faint like mine.

I know that the odds of having 2 miscarriages/chemical pregnancies are not that great. I know it's 1 in 4 pregnancies. But it's supposed to be that most people have one and then get pregnant just fine the next time... but I'm on my message board. I know the reality of the stat isn't true. Some people have chemicals back to back.

Other symptoms: My boobs fluctuate from full and ouchy, so normalish size and only tinges of ouchy. I have had a crazy pinchy back pain all afternoon and night in my lower left back. Slight cramping. I could smell the smoker who sits next to me at work almost every moment of the day today. He spoke to me once and his breath waved over me and seriously worried I would vomit. And tonight I passed out at 8:30, like I just couldn't see any reason to get up. When i did get up to test at 11:30 (with the barely there squinter) I was super nauseous after.

I want to believe so badly that this is it. But I know it's not good that the lines aren't getting darker again. I have been here before.

Thank god for the ladies on my board. They keep me sane.

Lets hope it's a good one.

So, this is Christmas
And what have you done?
Another year over
And a new one just begun

A very merry Christmas

And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The road is so long

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

- John Lennon

Hubby is back at work!

There were times when I seriously wondered if we had made the wrong decision to let him take the severance and come home to watch our son while he searched. But things did work out as they were supposed to. If he had taken the alternative job he was offered, he would have surely been on a written notice or even fired by now. That job has killed so many careers. But because he waited, he was able to come back to the same company, gain back all his seniority/vacation/benefits. And he really enjoys his new position.

I am so grateful that this one thing has happened before 2013 was out.

It was just in time too because I am worn out.
I worked so much harder than I would have because I knew I was the breadwinner. I took on the lion's share of our bills, probably 90%. And I made more money than any other person in my position. But since H has gone back to work, I have seen my productivity absolutely decline. I am thinking it's a big ball of reasons. 1) being that the burden is no longer squarely on my shoulders. 2) I was sat in the noisy middle aisle. Fun and great for my stress level, but terrible for my numbers. 3) I waste my moments and days away wondering when I'll ever get pregnant. I would say this is getting bad for sure. 4) I'm too tired to work any more overtime.

Sonny boy has kept on his weight but we discovered this week (actually I've been asking people to see what I've seen for a month) that Hux is getting a lazy eye. Sometimes his left eye turns inward when he's tired or not paying attention. Of course I am thinking the worst. Got a specialist appointment set for January 3rd. I don't know what they'll find. In the best case scenario, they tell us to wait it out (not likely). In the middle case, he'll need glasses. In the worst case he'll need glasses, eye patching, and surgery. 2013 just had to get in that one last jab. But it is what it is. We will do absolutely anything necessary to make sure that he gets his treatments and hope he doesn't have to deal with this for life.

That makes a total of 4 appointments for Hux in January. 30 month check-up, GI specialist, Allergist & pediatric optometrist. Sometimes I worry that our genes mixed wrong and made this kid with all these issues. But then I think, maybe all humans have a certain number of issues and we are just good parents who are finding them early and fixing them. I just hate seeing him struggle and thinking of future struggles he may have. But I guess that's the human experience.

I truly hope 2014 (even with the struggles that may come) brings us health and gets us back onto the track we were on when 2012 burned out.

Won't you please bring my baby to me?

Oh, all the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air

And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing

Santa, won't you bring me the one I really need?
Won't you please bring my baby to me?

 - Mariah Carey

6 cycles. I am 6 cycles into trying to conceive our second. I know the facts. This is NOT a long time in the grand scheme. I think it seems longer because I keep setting milestones upon which I rest my hope.

August - It's only the first month. - BFN

September - Yay, I got pregnant. We will get to announce at the holidays! - Miscarriage.

October - Everyone says the cycle after a miscarriage is the most fertile. - BFN

November - A July baby would be just enough time in between Hux's and the new birthday. - BFN

December - It would be such a happy Christmas surprise and it would repair some of the damage from this year to end 2013 right. - BFN

January - It would be a great way to start the new year & hubby's 30th b-day.
- If it's a negative, then you'll be 33+ when you deliver, no chance of a 3rd kid before 35, which means no 3rd kid.
- Only one more cycle before you have to throw a baby shower.
- Only 2 more cycles to try before your best friend gives birth. If you don't have a positive by then, you will surely blubber all over the newborn when the time comes.
- Only 3 more cycles before you have to take a break because you swore not to subject your kid to a Christmas time birthday.

Its all such a mind-fuck. It makes you jealous. It makes you anxious. It makes you a hypochondriac. It can be the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. It can make you feel so embarrassed. So ashamed that you can't make this most natural thing happen. Its one of the few things in life where hard work truly does not get you someplace faster. There is no special calculation to tell you the projection at which it will all pay off.

And yet, it's only been 6 cycles. So if I'm so bothered now, I don't know what I'll look like at 12 cycles.

I had a physical a couple weeks ago and while I was there, they ran CD3 fertility testing. Everything came back normal on both accept I need more vitamin D. This comforted me because it means one more thing checked off that says I'm fine... just impatient. I will take my progesterone again this cycle and hope for the best. Oddly one day I am feeling really great about my cycle but in my head I am prepared for just not seeing a positive any time soon. Self preservation I guess.

Better. Better, Better.

You're getting sadder, sadder, getting sadder, sadder
Don't understand, and I don't understand

But if I kiss you where it's sore
If I kiss you where it's sore
Will you feel better, better, better?
Will you feel anything at all?

-Regina Spektor

It's odd that at the old-timer age of 31, I am still learning things about myself. Picking my psyche apart and putting it back together again.

I realized why I am so disappointed in this year... We not only haven't accomplished many of the things I wanted for us... but we have actually backtracked. I need small goals, big goals, lists upon lists, and more than anything I need to be BETTER. All the time I need to see marked accomplishments to tell me that I am improving. My family is improving. I need milestones. I need hurtles that have been cleared and written down.

All this time I worried that my recent sadness has been a cry for negative attention... But really, the lack of positive attention is what is killing me. I need people to see that we are every improving, ever getting stronger, ever accomplishing (even if in small ways). No one has anything to report about us this year. I don't know why I'm so angry about that.

This year has simply been a practice in stagnation. Hell, our child still hasn't grown. I am severely grateful that he has gained back his lost weight, but the fact that he is still behind makes me feel bad. I am extremely grateful that while my husband has been laid off, we survived and didn't even really have to change our lifestyle much... But he has also been home with our son for months and that kid isn't any better off than he was with my mom. Nobody is teaching him things or taking him on educational field trips. Tonight he seriously peed while he was getting his diaper changed? All his peers are potty trained or nearing the end of potty training. He not only has no idea of how to pee in the potty, but he doesn't even have a healthy respect for keeping it in the diaper. Thats OUR fault. All this time he's had one on one time and no one cared to force the potty training.

I am just so fucking disappointed in this year. I sound ungrateful because I should be happy that outcomes weren't worse... But we still didn't take advantage of the few opportunities we had this year and it's just really making me angry.

Fall is also disappointing. I think I'll just look forward to Christmas and a New Year at this point.